On a recent visit to Empik, the chain of book shops which appears to be approaching monopoly in Poland, I saw a book adorned by the image and likeness of Donald Trump. I have not been able to find the book on the internet and it is already gone from the displays of Empik but I think it was called “Can you Over-Promote Yourself?” Unlike the Bible, there is a picture of its author (if the Donald is, indeed, the author) on the front cover. Where there is Trump, there is his hair, though it is hard to see why the two should be inseparable. There, I’ve done it. I’ve cracked wise about the thing on his head — there I go again: “the thing on his head.” It’s unavoidable, inevitable, a force of nature. It’s… it’s… the elephant in the room, except everyone notices it and everyone comments.

No one talking about Donald Trump can avoid the subject of Donald Trump’s hair. It’s a beacon, a challenge:

“Cotton Candy Comb-over”
“Taj Ma-helmet”
“Windswept”
“Unbe-weave-able”
“Trump’s hair has simply reached that SNL parody level of Bill Braskie.”
“It’s crazy! It’s like looking at a car accident…”
“one of television’s greatest mysteries”
“a travesty. I’ve given up on trying to figure out what it is”
“as puzzling as Donald Trump’s hair.”
“an official disaster area”

I was going to and I really should link to all these pearls but it’s futile.

There is more to the challenge of Donald Trump’s hair than is widely understood. Anyone can describe it with a funny, pithy or accurate phrase. The challenge is that there is no challenge. It’s too easy. Open the dictionary, plunge in and pick a word at random: that’s Donald Trump’s hair. And yet Donald Trump’s hair remains impervious. Norman Mailer (?) once described Don King as looking like he was falling down a lift shaft (the boxing promoter’s hair goes straight up) but not even Mailer could fix Donald Trump’s hair in a formulated phrase. Donald Trump’s hair will always invite another description, another comparison, another slur. And it will always rise above mere words. It is inexhaustible. Words fail. There is only one thing you can say about Donald Trump’s hair and that is: Look at it!
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Pretty cool ending, huh? No! No, no, no, no! You cannot get the last word in on Donald Trump’s hair, not even if you abandon language. Donald Trump’s hair does not permit closure. You can no more conceptually encompass Donald Trump’s hair than you can pull yourself up by your own bootstraps. Donald Trump’s hair is longer, wider, taller, timelier than any comment that can be made on it. In fact, the only suitable way to “end” any statement on Donald Trump’s Hair is in mid-se