Polish workers (among others) are required by law to play the stock market with at least part of their pension savings. I hardly need to go into what has happened to the stock markets of late. Gazeta Wyborcza had a cheerful lead story on Thursday: The Shares Slump is Devouring Pensioners (a very free translation of “Bessa zżera emerytom”). It turns out that half of the gains made by the so-called “open pension funds” since they set up shop in 1999 have disappeared in the last few weeks (GW corrected their earlier report that 100% of the gains had been wiped out). It’s a complicated and dull subject – unless you are a woman facing retirement next year. In that case, I would imagine, it is gripping to say the least. By some quirk of sexism, demographics, life expectancy, incompetence and blind adherence to free-marketeering ideology, women (but only old ones) will come off worst, though the situation is not all that bad, as a part of pensions benefits are and will continue to be paid out by the boring old state body, ZUS (also notoriously inefficient, lest I be accused of bias). Still, real people will see real reductions in their real pensions starting in a few months because of the crisis (that’s what they’re calling it here: the crisis. Have another vodka.) GW’s article is accompanied by a commentary from the pen of Dominika Wielowieyska. In a sudden rush of good citizenship I have decided to provide here an interlinear translation into English of the reassuring words of wisdom from the ramparts of Gazeta Wyborcza:
Nasze składki w OFE są po części inwestowane na giełdzie.
Our pitiful savings are gambled on the geegees.
W 2007 r. fundusze chwaliły się, że pomnożyły nam pieniądze o kilkadziesiąt procent.
In 2007 the tipsters boasted that they had made us a tidy cash profit.
Dziś z powodu bessy kilkadziesiąt procent zmalało o połowę!
Now, as a result of a losing streak, I could really use three squares and a cot.
Już w przyszłym roku pierwsze osoby dostaną emeryturę, której część – na razie nikła – pochodzi z OFE.
This is going to be one tough winter.
Ich emerytura będzie o kilkanaście złotych niższa, niż wydawało się kilka miesięcy temu.
Your pension’s going to shrink by 10, maybe 20 zloties a month.
Niby niedużo, ale dla ubogich liczy się każdy grosz.
It’s no big deal but when you’re a deadbeat every penny counts.
A dla nas wszystkich liczy się poczucie emerytalnego bezpieczeństwa – podczas turbulencji bezcenne.
And we all need chumps to keep putting their dole money on horses.
Winne są trzy ostatnie rządy SLD, PiS i PO – ich skandaliczne zaniechanie.
It’s all the fault of the last three hot tips: Hallo Dundee, Fancy Lady and Santa’s Little Helper.
Do tej pory nie ma bowiem ustawy o funduszach bezpiecznych, w których towarzystwa lokowałyby nasze pieniądze, gdy do emerytury zostało nam niewiele lat. Fundusze bezpieczne – bo nie mogłyby inwestować w papiery ryzykowne, np. akcje.
If only the government had listened to us when we were proposing our 100% failsafe, foolproof, guaranteed, waterproof System, available to the discerning turf connoisseur on recept of cheque or postal order.
Wybierałyby obligacje skarbowe.
If they had listened to their One True Turf Source, they would only have picked Sure Things, and not donkeys.
Chroniłyby nasze oszczędności przed giełdową sinusoidą.
This would have protected your savings from the eventuality of it coming up mud.
“Gazeta” kilkakrotnie wzywała do ich utworzenia.
We often called for betting on form and breeding, And the man that did that could never be burst.
Bo twórcy reformy słusznie założyli, że na giełdzie zarabia się w długiej perspektywie, najlepiej kilkudziesięciu lat.
The tote investors and the bookies take the long view that the house never loses.
Jednak to założenie nie zdejmuje z rządzących obowiązku chronienia ludzi przed momentem, gdy giełdowa huśtawka jest najniżej.
But we know how to beat the odds and profit by laying off long shots against each-way bets at off-course bookies and exploiting the resulting vig differential.
Niech się politycy wytłumaczą, dlaczego o to nie zadbali.
It’s time the politicians adapted our patented, guaranteed System.
Niech parlament szybko naprawi ten błąd, by chronić kolejne pokolenia oszczędzające w OFE na starość.
Parlament should send a cheque or postal order to Gazeta Wyborcza without delay to learn the secrets of the turf trade that guarantee a retirement in clover.